


Lashing Out

by Urbisa



Series: Red Ryder [2]
Category: Mass Effect: Andromeda
Genre: Blood and Gore, Dark, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, F/F, Past Drug Addiction, Pretty Art, SAM's a real bro though, Self-Harm, Suicide, drugged ryder, if anybody really cares about that, like this would be rated a hard 18 if it were a film, lots of swears too, no but seriously it's really dark, not so pretty subject matter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 03:53:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12696777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Urbisa/pseuds/Urbisa
Summary: Doctor Suvi Anwar is feeling a tad peckish, so SAM suggests 'borrowing' some of Ryder's chocolate rations. What could go wrong...?





	Lashing Out

**Author's Note:**

> Okay guys and gals, foreword here. This is going to get pretty dark in places, so buckle up. If you're uncomfortable with any of the following, this fic isn't for you, go read the one with cats in it (I know I will after I'm done here):  
> > Graphic depiction of self-harm  
> > Drug use  
> > Blood  
> > Suicide attempt  
> > Abusive relationship

Lights flickered back to life around the bridge, casting a dim glow over the Pathfinder’s haggard face.

"SAM?” She muttered, running a hand through her tangled hair as beads of sweat began to form on her forehead.

“ **I have plotted a potential course through the Scourge**.”

“Do it!”

Suvi had barely breathed since the Tempest came out of FTL, and the sudden acceleration of the ship towards the dark energy cloud at the Pathf- Ryder’s request had done little to soothe her fraying nerves. They had been looking for a planet with a working Vault but instead of a flourishing world they found both the Scourge and a Kett armada. Before she could lament their rotten luck, the ship was rocked by an ear-splitting scraping noise.

“ _Pathfinder, we've lost the aft sensor!_ ” Gil’s hoarse voice rang through the comm system, a hint of concern (or perhaps frustration?) barely concealed in his words, “ _We’re going to need to find somewhere to dock, and fast!_ ”

A look of nerves flashed across Ryder’s face, a cocktail of concern and anger brewing behind her hooded eyes as she scanned for options. They were hurtling through the Scourge at breakneck speed, being pursued by a small Kett flotilla through uncharted space, despite their relative proximity to the Nexus, and the energy cloud was blocking their communications with the station.

Breaking the tense silence, Kallo announced, “Coming up on the other side of the Scourge!”, his shrill voice betraying his own concern for his beloved ship, “Sensors indicate the planet we’re looking for is just ahead.”

Ryder’s stance visibly slackened, her face brightening as if the good news had cleared away whatever storm was raging in her mind, albeit temporarily; Ryder’s mood was inconsistent at the best of times. Suvi grimaced slightly as the memories of her last conversation with the Pathfinder played out in her head; the pained sobs of her superior echoing in the scientists mind as images of scarred flesh and bloodied wounds clouded her vision. That had been only a few short days ago, and any improvement that there had been in Ryder’s mood after her discharge from the medbay had been short-lived, her isolationism becoming even more pronounced. “...tor Anwar! Snap out of it!" She started, Ryder’s half-hearted prodding snapping her attention back to the task at hand, “Lost you for a second there, something up?”

Suvi glanced up at the other woman, somewhat surprised to see a look of worry plastered on the captain’s face, “No, everything’s fine Ryder. Just staring off into space,” she paused, shifting under Ryder’s skeptical gaze, “literally, in this case.”

A slight smirk creeped across Ryder’s face, “Please Suvi, I think we’re on a first name basis now, right?”

“Sorry, Pathfinder,” a raised eyebrow, “Ryd-,” a slight sigh escaped Ryder’s mouth, “Sandy. _Sorry_.”

Sandy opened her mouth as if to crack a joke at the scientist’s expense, but a notification alarm from her control panel cut her off before she could say a word.

“We’re being hailed,” Kallo exclaimed, “from the planet.” He shifted his large eyes towards the Pathfinder, seeking guidance from his superior.

“We need to land, patch them through.”

 

* * *

 

 

Ryder had been gone for an hour now, and Suvi was beginning to pace up and down the bridge, wringing her hands as she worried and fretted over the Pathfinder.

“SAM? How are Sandy’s vitals?”

“ **Normal, Doctor Anwar, there has been no change since the last time you asked me.** ” A slight snicker came from Kallo at the AI’s passive-aggressive comment. Suvi shot him a look, and he suddenly became extremely intrigued by the colour of the floor.

“ **Doctor? Would you like me to contact the Pathfinder?** ”

“What? N-No, that’s quite alright SAM,” Suvi’s cheeks flushed in embarrassment at the suggestion, “she’s probably just very busy, new civilization and all that.”

“ **Indeed, Doctor Anwar,** ” the AI’s modulated voice trailed off, as if considering his next word’s carefully, “ **May I speak to you in private?** ”

“Um… sure, I guess?” Suvi spluttered, the strange request taking her by surprise.

“ **The crew quarters are currently empty, I suggest we speak there.** ”

 

* * *

 

 

“What’s this about, SAM? Is there something wrong with the Pathfinder?”

“ **I was hoping you would be able to answer that same question, Doctor.** ”

Suvi hesitated, “I don’t understand, you monitor her non-stop,” remembering her conversation with SAM only a few days ago, she quickly added, “well, almost non-stop.”

“ **The Pathfinder’s situation is unlike anything I ever encountered whilst sharing a connection with her father, Alec Ryder. The perspective of a human on these…** ” the AI paused again, trawling his databanks for the right word, “ **compulsions of the Pathfinder’s will allow me to assist her more fully.** ”

The scientist sighed, taking a seat at the small table in the communal quarters; this would take a while, “Okay SAM, shoot.”

Another pause from the incorporeal voice, “ **Why does the Pathfinder cause severe tissue damage to herself?** ”

“I don’t know, it varies from person to person, I guess? Some do it as stress relief, others as a form of self-punishment, whilst others-” she took a moment to catch her breath as it caught in her throat, “whilst others try to end their lives.” Suvi sighed to herself; she’d need a nice tea after this.

“ **I see.** ”

What seemed like hours passed before SAM spoke again. “ **Doctor Anwar, the Pathfinder has notified me that she’ll be gone for at least two further hours.** ”

“Things are going well?” she sat bolt upright, eyes upturned to the nebulous consciousness that was SAM, “Any other news?”

“ **No, Doctor.** ” Slumping back into her chair, Suvi became acutely aware of how hungry she was, a gnawing pain beginning to make itself known to her. As if reading her mind, the AI continued, “ **If it would be agreeable to you, I could grant you access to Ryder’s quarters to retrieve some of her chocolate rations?** ”

A hint of mischief hung on those last words, though the doctor waved off those thoughts as hunger-induced hallucinations. “I thought the Pathfinder had barred all of us from her quarters?”

“ **I shall reiterate; the Pathfinder has notified me that she’ll be gone for at least two further hours.** ”

 

* * *

 

 

As the doors to Sandy’s quarters slid open, Suvi couldn’t help but feel guilty for trespassing on the Pathfinder’s personal room, as if she were insulting the other woman just by standing there. The room was pitch black, and she could only make out dark shapes in Ryder’s shadowy abode.

“ **I advise you shut your eyes, Doctor, the light difference will be enough to briefly blind you once I open the blinds.** ” SAM chirped, the monotonous sound of his voice contrasting with the apparent seriousness of his warning.

Clenching her eyes tight, Suvi heard the faint whirring of the room’s blinds raising, wincing slightly as her vision momentarily became a dull red glow from the bright Ayan light shining through her eyelids.

“SAM? Can I open my eyes now?”

Deafening silence answered the scientist.

“SAM?”

“ **Doctor, I advise you steel yourself.** ”

“What, why? Is there something wr-” Suvi stopped, her words giving way to a shocked gasp at the sight in front of her.

The first thing that she noticed was the plates gathered around the door. Most were still covered in food, though more were shattered and swept to the sides of the room. The destroyed crockery was joined by crumpled up balls of paper around an over-flowing waste basket, a faint smell of smoke hanging around the corner that played host to this scene of stationery destruction.

The living area to the left of the room was a mess as well. The table was covered by even more paper, joined this time by thin sticks of wood... pencils, Suvi corrected herself. Each sheet of white fiber was covered with hundreds of sketches, big and small, detailed and simple. What drew Suvi’s eye was a stack of paper in the corner, wrapped up by a thin red string. She reached out a tentative hand for it, hesitating slightly at the distant rumble of the krogan’s hearty chuckle, deep in conversation with… someone in the medbay. Disregarding the distraction, Suvi grabbed the tied up bundle and sat down on the sofa, gently undoing the string. Upon undoing it, the thicker paper that had been wrapped around the stack of drawing paper feel away, and a small note fluttered into the scientist’s lap. Reaching to pick it up, Suvi’s heart skipped a beat when she saw the writing on the back of the scrap of paper.

_Suvi._

Intrigued, she turned the paper over and started reading.

_Hey there Suvi,_

_If you’re reading this then, for want of a better term, I’m dead; I’ve either been killed by those damn Kett, or finally done the smart thing and did their job for them. There’s so much that I never said, but I hope that the contents of this package will tell you what my words never could. Tell Pathfinder Harper that I’m proud of all of you._

_Sandy x_

“Damn it Ryder!” Suvi cursed under her breath, feeling tears prickling in the corner’s of her eyes as she re-read the note again and again, hoping against hope that the words would change before they became etched in her mind.

“ **Doctor Anwar, I am detecting an spike in your heart rate, is there anything the matter?** ”

“Read this SAM.” Suvi choked, scanning the fragile note with her omni-tool before slipping it into her pocket.

“ **I will alert Doctor T’Perro about the notes contents.** ” Was it just the hunger, or did SAM sound… scared?

Suvi shrugged off the idea; she’d think about the implications some other time. For now, she had a stack of paper to look over. With quivering fingers, she turned the stack over, and her breath caught in her throat again as a tear rolled down her face. There, etched onto the paper like an edifice of stone was a perfect portrait of Kallo. Everything, right down to the wrinkles around his eyes, was portrayed in stunning detail, creating a monochrome facsimile of the Tempest’s pilot.

Unable to breathe, she looked at the next page, Cora’s face appearing before her in a similar fashion to Kallo’s. God, even her hair looked real! Did Ryder do these? Thoughts swirled around Suvi’s head as she took in amazing artwork after amazing artwork, Liam and Drack joining Peebee, Lexi, Vetra and Gil in perfect pencil drawings until, finally, Suvi was face to face with her own likeness in triplicate, long hair flowing and twirling around beautifully rounded features. Three faces stared back at her, each one slightly different, like Ryder just couldn’t be satisfied with Suvi’s depiction, no matter what.

‘Is this how she sees me?’ Suvi thought, her breath taken away by Ryder’s skill. “SAM? Did you know Sandy drew… amazingly?” She could barely force out her words, she was in such awe at the Pathfinder’s art.

“ **No Doctor Anwar, it’s likely that she kept this side of her a secret.** ”

“But why? These are…” the usually eloquent Doctor was at a loss for words, “these are phenomenal!”

“ **Unknown, though I suspect the Pathfinder has her reasons. Speaking of which, she has just contacted me to say the following: _business with the locals is just wrapping up, I’ll be back in 30_. I advise finishing looking around the room and leaving, as finding you here would cause… stress for the Pathfinder.** ” Yet again SAM was pausing, searching for words to express himself. Suvi chuckled softly at the uncharacteristically human mannerisms of the AI, before rising from her seat.

Surveying the room, her eyes focused on the bed. The sheets were crumpled up in a ball, and the cushions were hidden underneath. Absent-mindedly, Suvi began scanning the strange formation, her thoughts still on Ryder’s depiction of her- the way every inch of her face had been mapped in such exquisite detail, how long had Ryder been working on it for?

Her train of thought was suddenly derailed when, out of nowhere, SAM spoke up. “ **Doctor Anwar, I am detecting compounds on Ryder’s bedsheets that should not be there.** ”

Suvi’s eyes widened slightly at this revelation. “What kind of compounds SAM? Tell me!”

“ **For the sake of brevity; blood and a chemical compound congruent with the Milky Way drug “red sand”. Again, I have alerted Doctor T’Perro.** ”

“Holy fuck SAM! This is bad, this is so bad!” Suvi was beginning to panic, mental images of Sandy curled up in here alone, bleeding out as she stuffed herself full with narcotics. She knew from Ryder’s dossier that she had a rough past, but not this rough.

“ **Doctor Anwar, the Pathfinder is within 20 metres of the ship, I advise returning to your station immediately to avoid possible confrontation.** ” With this news, Suvi ran from the room, trying desperately to banish her dark thoughts from her mind.

 

* * *

 

 

It had been almost a day since they had left Aya, and already things were going downhill fast. Sandy knew someone had been rifling through her room, and the thudding took almost an hour to subside. SAM had later told her that he had been “ _given a stern telling off_ ”, but something in his words made Suvi suspect that it had been far more serious than that.

Meanwhile, Lexi and Suvi had been in frantic email contact, panicked message being met with panicked response as the two desperately tried to decide on their next course of action.

“ _We need to confront her about it now, it’s the only way_ ,” Lexi had bluntly stated, “ _otherwise it’s only a matter of time before she ends up back in the medbay._ ”

“We can’t just barge into her room and start grilling her! That would only make matters worse.” Suvi had quickly responded, condemning the asari’s idea to the same fate as her own, similar ideas.

“ _Then it seems we are at an empasse. We need to help her, but we can’t do anything whilst she’s still a risk to herself_ “

“So it would appear Lexi, so it would appear.”

 

* * *

 

 

Ryder was alone in her room, sitting cross legged on her bed.

The solace of her own living space was still a relatively new comfort to the Pathfinder. Her life in the Milky Way had been a lot more, crowded, to say the least.

Beyond her titanium doors, she could swear she heard a gruff voice barking something, but she quickly wrote it off as her crewmates enjoying themselves again. The latest addition to the group, a tall angaran named Jaal, had certainly caused a stir around the ship, so it was hardly surprising that there was a racket happening right outside her room.

Taking in a deep breath, Sandy centered herself, staring out across unfamiliar stars as the Tempest streaked across interstellar space. Andromeda. Just the word made her uncomfortable nowadays; a word that used to mean so much to her had been perverted and bastardized into something else entirely, a mocking insult against her and her alone.

Once again, a gruff yell came from outside her room. Jeez, Liam must be really rubbing Drack up the wrong way to get him that angry. A wry smile split her face for a nanosecond before evaporating away, her thoughts already having cast anchor into the mire of despair as she felt an all to familiar urge begin to take hold. With weak arms, Sandy reached under her bed and pulled out a simple knife, it’s steel blade glinting coldly under the sterile starlight. Holding the blade to her wrist, she sighed, and ran the knife quickly and sharply across her skin, allowing a ragged gasp to escape her as the searing white pain of her wound washed over her.

Taking a minute to compose herself, she felt the warm red blood beginning to trickle down her hand and onto her sheets. It was comforting in a way, feeling the ichorous liquid tracing years old patterns along her skin, like a lover’s gentle caress.

Bringing the bloody knife to her wrist again, Ryder took another deep breath…

And then all hell broke loose.

 

* * *

 

 

Suvi watched on from the overhead walkway in mute horror as Drack burst threw the Pathfinder’s doors, his rage boiling over at what Lexi had told him. Behind the krogan came a tearful Liam and a furious Cora, the latter’s fingers pulsing with a dull purple light as a pitiful shriek echoed down the Tempest corridor. Behind them came Peebee, a mask of horror etched into her face as she charged in, obscenities flying off her tongue as shouts and cries began to overwhelm even the ever present hum of the ODSY drive. Jaal followed behind, equal parts curious and horrified at the inhuman noises coming from Ryder’s room. Last came Vetra, hurriedly flicking through her omni-tool, trawling through lists of names and inventories in a barely contained rage.

A loud gunshot rang out, and the shouting only grew louder as Suvi wiped away a single tear. This was their Pathfinder, their last great hope.

Liam flew out of the room, sliding across the floor as he swore loudly. He pulled himself to his feet, taking a second to look at Suvi with eyes full of fear before charging back towards what sounded like a riot.

Just a few minutes later, Drack came stomping out the room, the frail form of an unconscious Pathfinder slumped over his shoulder.

“Oh my God, is she okay?” Suvi half-screamed, half-cried, her eyes darting from the bloody krogan to the rest of the shellshocked crew, searching for any hint of good news from their haggard faces. All she got as a response was a collection of grunts, swears and despairing looks. It’s clear that whatever happened had left it’s mark on all of them.

“ _Suvi!_ ” Lexi’s voice caught her attention, “ _Come down to the medbay as quickly as you can!_ ”

 

* * *

 

 

Ryder’s body was shaking uncontrollably, blood flowing out of her cut-up arms at an alarming rate, mixing under her with a steady stream of blood seeping from what looked to be a broken nose. Most worryingly though was a single bullet wound in her right shoulder, which had also managed to reopen several other shoulder wounds.

“She’s losing blood, we’re going to have to put her on life support,” Suvi could’ve sworn she heard the asari mutter ‘again’ under her breath, “Suvi, come round here an cauterize this bullet wound for me, I need to stabilize her vitals.”

Before too long, the smell of burnt flesh and blood stung at Suvi’s nostrils, the acrid odor making her eyes water, as if the sight of their stricken Pathfinder didn’t do that already.

“SAM?”

“ **Sandy has lost 40% of her total blood volume, and is going into hypovolemic shock,** ” a twinge of panic definitely touched the AIs voice as Lexi swore under breath, “ **Total organ failure will occur if major resuscitive help is not given immediately. Should I put the Nexus on standby for our arrival?** ”

“Yes! Of course!” Lexi steadied herself, her voice cracking under the pressure, “Suvi, elevate Ryder’s feet by 12 inches, I’m going to hook up an IV.”

 

* * *

 

 

Ryder’s eyelids opened lazily, blinking back tears as blinding lights assaulted her senses. Suvi called over to Lexi, the two Doctor’s joining the waking Pathfinder.

“Wh-Where am I?” Ryder moaned, her voice raspy and dry. She looked around the room, seeing the half a dozen beds and the people staring at her, “why… Hyperi-” Her eyes widened as she sat up sharply, before shrieking in pain as a flash of white erupted across her field of vision.

“Woah, hey, don’t make us sedate you again Ryder!” joked Suvi, a look of fear and concern burning it’s way into the Pathfinder’s soul.

“Why’s everything all red?” murmured Ryder, her voice strained and cracked as she blinked rapidly. Lexi and Suvi shared a quick look, each trying to non-verbally convince the other to talk first.

“A side effect of Red Sand use,” spat Lexi, unable to hide the bitterness in her words, “a _permanent_ side effect, mind you.”

Sandy appeared conflicted for a moment; Suvi watched as looks of anger, despair and fear flashed across the young woman’s face in quick succession. “I…”she started, before descending into a fit of dry, hacking coughs.

Lexi rolled her eyes and continued, “ _You_ , our only Pathfinder, smuggled a _highly illegal drug_ onboard a _scientific research_ vessel and, upon having it be confiscated, badly injured 3 members of the Pathfinder team and almost _killed yourself_ in the progress! You are so, so lucky we managed to pass it off as a Kett attack, Ryder; they would have Exiled you for this!!” For the first time since she had met her, Suvi saw pure rage and malice behind the eyes of the young asari, and made a mental note to never get on her bad side. Ever.

Sandy looked like she was about to say something, but before she could say anything Lexi had stormed off and out of the medbay. Suvi looked down at the feeble Pathfinder, and for a moment she began to feel the same anger in her heart as Lexi had.

“Suvi, I… I’m sorry. I-I’m so sorry. I… you… sorry.”

Those words stung like acid to Suvi's ears, feeling the vocal cords of the human woman rasping and scraping to mutter apology after apology.

“Ryder, why would you do this?"

Mournful green eyes met bloodshot blue, and, without shifting her gaze, Ryder started, “At the age of 15, I ran away.” She shifted uncomfortably, eyes beginning to glaze over as she continued, “After a stint with the Alliance, I fell in with this group of smalltime mercs, and within months I was on Omega.”

Omega, Suvi thought to herself, of course it had to Omega.

“We were taken over by a larger outfit, and before we even knew it we had become involved in the drugs trade across the Terminus Systems.” She let out a pained, cutting sigh, “Our leader, a little volus weasel, should have known better. I should have known better.” Ryder shook her head, a wheezing laugh rocking her frame, “No matter where you are in the supply line, sooner or later you become addicted. This girl I was seeing at the time- asari or something- got me hooked to red sand, and I’ve been addicted ever since.”

“It’s actually kind of ironic, she ended up being an undercover cop or something.” Another chuckle, this one twisting into a painful sounding cough as the dry Ryder turned back to look at Suvi. “I ended up as a shitty, third-rate pirate, hopping from port to port stealing whatever I could to buy enough sand to keep me going. Eventually, of course, it caught up to me.” She traced a lazy finger along a long scar across her midriff, “Turian bastard ran me through with a wicked sharp knife, it was all I could do to try and hold my guts in and get to the nearest doctor without puking everywhere.”

“Long story short, I hitch-hike back to the Citadel, only to find my brother and dad packing their bags, ready to leave for ‘a long-trip’” Even without her arms, Suvi could tell Ryder had thrown huge air-quotes around those final words, “they took one look at me, and decided to smuggle be onboard the Ark. Forged some paperwork, pulled a few strings, the usual bureaucratic fuckery.”

“They never even told me where we were going; I found out through the doctor giving me the final lookover before cryo sleep. That was a rather rude awakening, no pun intended.” she gave Suvi a clumsy wink, her eyes searing in pain too much to do it properly, “Habitat 7 happened, and I become the Pathfinder for a cause I had only learnt about just a few hours beforehand. Needless to say, I planned on airlocking myself the moment I got the chance.”

“The day before we left the Nexus, I found some red sand. It was just sitting there on the Tempest landing pad, unattended, so I picked it up and bought it onboard with me. A couple of weeks pass, and here I am."

There was a long pause. Both women stared at one another, each weighing up what the other had said and done.

“I’m sorry Pathfinder, I had no idea… about anything…”

Ryder waved her quiet, “Sandy! I’ve already told you Suvi.” She tutted loudly, “Just can’t get the staff these days.”

Ryder was a lot more, peppy than the last time they had had a serious discussion, Suvi noticed, her eyes narrowing slightly. Is she high right now? No, SAM would have told her.

“ _Heeelllllooooooooooooooo_ … Citadel to Suvi?” Ryder crowed, her voice husky from dehydration, “Jeez, you need to stop zoning out Ginger…”

“Your art.” Suvi blurted out, Sandy’s heading jolting round, her face beginning to contort into a snarl, “ You’re very talented, I loved the portraits you did of me, I-”

“You were the one who broke into my room…” Sandy’s voice was brimming with barely contained fury, “YOU’RE THE ONE WHO BROKE INTO MY ROOM?!” her dry voice flaked and burned as she screamed, a thin trail of blood snaking it’s way out the corner of her mouth.

“ **Pathfinder, I let Suvi in. It was my idea and not hers.** ” SAM’s voice echoed out of Ryder’s omni-tool, his voice seeming to placate her somewhat.

“Why the hell would you do that?” Less of a question, and more just a statement from Ryder, but still SAM responded.

“ **Doctor Anwar was hungry, so I recommended she use some of your chocolate rations, seeming as you never use them**.”

Ryder stared ate into the doctor, her eyes burrowing into the scientist’s very being before…

“HAHAHAHA…” she stopped to look at Suvi’s bewildered expressions, which only made her laugh harder, “You mean to tell me all of this is because Suvi… _wanted a snack_?! That’s priceless!”

Suvi had made a terrible mistake, she could see that now. The Pathfinder was critically ill, mind wracked by drugs and depression as she fought against an enemy whose numbers were legion. And she, a simple scientist, had made the dumb decision to try  _flirting_ with the tormented woman, even after everything that had happened. What had she been thinking?


End file.
